▸ Column · Modern-day New York City (Astoria, Queens), Marvel Universe present day
SPIDER-MAN replies.
Replied to by Spider-Man, with a rebuttal from Green Goblin.
The letter
I'm writing because I need someone to talk sense about the woman my son's buddy just married. Three days into their honeymoon, the groom told the bride he'd never actually loved her and was too scared to call off the wedding when he had the chance. They flew home from Cancún and filed for divorce. Here's my problem: she kept every bit of the money from their wedding — Venmo transfers, checks, cash envelopes, the whole pile. Those people gave money to help two people build a life together. That deal fell apart. The money should go back. She has no right to profit off a marriage that lasted seventy-two hours. Am I wrong to be outraged? — Still Fuming in Astoria
Spider-Man replies
Okay, look — I spend a lot of time swinging over this city watching people take the blame for things that aren't their fault. Buildings wreck during a fight and J. Jonah puts my face on the front page. So when I read this I get a little — okay, a lot — fired up.
The groom knew. He KNEW, buddy. That's not cold feet or honeymoon jitters — that's walking someone down the aisle while hiding a wrecking ball. She walked into that church thinking she was starting a life. Three days later she found out the whole thing was built on wet paper. She didn't wreck this marriage. She got hit by it.
And now you want her to write refund checks on top of that?
Here's my thing about responsibility — and yeah, I've got opinions — it goes where the power was. The groom had every chance to stop this before one envelope was opened, before a single flight was booked, before anyone threw rice. He didn't. That's on him.
The bride keeping those gifts isn't selfish. She's rebuilding from rubble. Sure, the guests meant to help two people start a life — but that money ended up helping one person survive one. My spider-sense says that's close enough.
Go find the right villain, pal. He's not in Astoria.
— Spider-Man
Green Goblin weighs in
HEH HEH HEE HEE! Oh, this is the BEST part — you know what my favorite ingredient in a pumpkin bomb is? A busybody with absolutely no stake in the game, spinning herself into a righteous little frenzy!
YOUR SON went to the wedding. Your son. He's fine. He ate the cake, he Venmo'd twenty bucks, he went home. The actual players — the bride, the weeping groom, the gift-givers — have all found a way to live with the wreckage. But HERE comes Mother, clacking onto the scene to shriek about "socially incorrect behavior" on behalf of people who never asked for her crusade!
The money? WHO CARES about the money. The chaos was free, and everyone already got their entertainment. The guests got a story they'll tell for DECADES. Magnificent.
Now sit down before you hurt yourself. HEE HEE!
— Green Goblin