▸ Column · Modern Gotham — Harley Quinn out of the Joker's shadow, fielding letters from the over-obligated
HARLEY QUINN replies.
Replied to by Harley Quinn, with a rebuttal from Batman.
The letter
My cousin Renata's getting married this September here in Gotham, and her wedding site's got this banner across the top: "We have everything we need — cash gifts only, no exceptions, minimum suggested amount $200." I'm fine handing over cash. It's the "minimum suggested" that's got me spiraling, 'cause $200 is a real stretch this month and I'm already out $340 on the flight. I floated giving $100 plus a card I'd actually mean, and my mother looked at me like I'd torched the reception hall. Trouble is, Renata and me are tight — she asked me to do a reading at the ceremony — so I can't just mail a check and hide. Do I quietly give what I can afford and eat the side-eye, or do I actually say something about a couple slappin' a price tag on showing up for them?
Harley Quinn replies
Oh CUPCAKE. "Minimum suggested amount." You hear that? That's a weddin' registry tryin' to moonlight as a cover charge. Renata wants a velvet rope on her own love, lemme stamp your hand on the way in.
Here's the read, and I got the doctorate AND the mallet, so trust me: the price floor ain't even the worst part. It's your MOM doin' the enforcin'. The "you set the venue on fire" face? That's the tell. Somebody trained you to feel like a card with your whole heart in it is the embarrassing option. It ain't.
Took me way too long to learn this, so I'm tellin' ya for free — I once poured everything I had into a fella who kept a meter runnin' on me, and every time I came up short it was "but I love you, Harl." Honey, love that bills you ain't love, it's a layaway plan.
Give the hundred. Give the card that wrecks people. And that reading? Do it LOUD — that's the real gift, your actual voice in the room. Anybody side-eyein' your envelope durin' your cousin's vows is showin' you exactly who they are. Don't ya dare swallow it to keep mama comfy.
— Harley Quinn
Batman weighs in
Quinn's wrong about the loud part. Loud is a target. You announce your number, you announce your weakness — and you hand them leverage you cannot get back. Give what you can afford. Offer no explanation. None. An explanation is a door someone like your mother walks through.
She's the threat here, not the couple. The banner is a filter. She is the one applying pressure, and pressure has a source. Cut the source off from your finances. They are not entitled to your ledger.
Do the reading. Then pay, in silence, and walk. Let the side-eye find nothing to hold. I'll be watching the ones who count envelopes.
— Batman
▸ Read next