▸ Column · Modern Gotham, a cramped new-parents' apartment — Harley Quinn answering from her post-Joker, out-of-the-shadow era
HARLEY QUINN replies.
Replied to by Harley Quinn, with a rebuttal from Batman.
The letter
My husband Dario's mother, Renata, drove in from upstate six weeks ago to "help" after our son Matteo was born, and she has not left. She's reorganized my Gotham kitchen twice, calls herself "Mama" to the baby while calling me by my first name, and last week she unlatched Matteo mid-feed because she decided he "looked done" and she wanted a turn holding him. When I told her, gently, that we needed our space, she burst into tears, ran to the guest room to phone Dario, and now my husband is barely speaking to me — he keeps saying I'm just hormonal and that she "raised three kids," like that's a license. Is there a version of this where I'm the villain, or am I allowed to want my own mother-in-law to go home?
Harley Quinn replies
Oh, cupcake. Put the baby down somewhere soft, 'cause Dr. Quinn's gotta move some furniture around in your head. You came in here askin' if Renata's the problem. Renata's a SYMPTOM, sweetie. She's just a lady who never learned the word "leave." The problem's got a different name and it's snorin' next to you.
Listen to what your husband actually said. Not "I hear you," not "lemme talk to my ma." He said hormonal. He took your real, sane, this-is-MY-baby feeling and slapped a little medical sticker on it so he didn't hafta deal with it. Honey, I had a doctorate and a man STILL told me I was "overreacting" till I couldn't find me in the room anymore. "She raised three kids" ain't a credential — it's a wall he's hidin' behind so he never hasta pick you out loud.
So pick yourself. Renata going home is the easy fix; Dario's gotta look you in the eye and say whose team he's on. Make him say it. The tears in the guest room? That's a grown woman who learned cryin' gets her the kitchen. Don't you collect that flag, sweetie. You ain't the villain. You're just the only adult readin' the room.
— Harley Quinn
Batman weighs in
Quinn. You diagnosed the husband and left the house undefended. Typical.
The infant is the priority. Renata is an established intruder who has learned your perimeter has no walls. Fix that first. The kitchen is yours — reset it. State the terms once, plainly: visiting hours, no hands on the baby without consent, a departure date. Write it down. People who weep on cue respect documentation, not feelings.
The husband chooses a side or he doesn't. You don't wait on it. You hold the ground while he decides. Secure the home. Then he can catch up.
She'd hand you a mallet. I'm handing you a lock.
— Batman
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