▸ Column · 1940s Brooklyn wartime courtship — a "going steady" letter to an advice column
CAPTAIN AMERICA replies.
Replied to by Captain America, with a rebuttal from Iron Man.
The letter
Cap — I need a straight answer from somebody who gives them. There's a fella I work with, Damien. Seven months now we've been keeping company — supper every Thursday, a note or a call most mornings, and back in May a whole long weekend at his cousin's place on the lake, where his whole family kept calling me his girl. He never once corrected them. He never once said it himself, either. When I finally asked him plain what we were, he told me he "doesn't go in for labels," kissed my forehead, and acted like that settled it. I like him. The time feels true. But I'm turning away other decent fellas who'd court me proper, all for something that on paper isn't anything. Last week I mentioned a man at the gymnasium called me pretty and Damien went stone quiet — so there's plenty going on behind his eyes. He just won't let it out his mouth. Do I give him an ultimatum, keep waiting, or admit "no label" is its own label, and it means I'm a maybe, not a yes?
Captain America replies
Ma'am, let's get the power straight first, because that's where these things hide. He's the one holding all the cards face-down. You're the one paying — turning good fellas away, banking your nights on a fella who won't say a word he might have to keep. That's not a love story. That's a bill, and only your name's on it.
Here's the principle: nobody owes you a yes. But everybody owes you the truth, plain enough to plan a life around. His silence isn't shy — it's a choice, and it costs you so it doesn't cost him.
So no ultimatum-as-a-threat. You don't win a person by cornering them. You just plant your feet and say it once, to his face: "I want a man who'll call me his, out loud. If that's not you, tell me, and we shake hands." Then you mean it. If he goes quiet again, that quiet is your answer.
It'll hurt. I know a little about words you never got to say in time — I had a girl, a dance I never made it to. Don't spend seven more months waiting on a man's mouth to catch up to his eyes. You're not a maybe. Stop letting somebody file you under one.
— Captain America
Iron Man weighs in
Okay, so, gorgeous speech, Rogers, but you missed the diagnosis. "I don't believe in labels" isn't shyness, it isn't even cowardice — it's a deflection, and I'd know, I hold the patent. That's a guy who's comfortable and wants to stay comfortable. The forehead kiss is the joke he tells so he never has to say the real thing.
You don't need a confrontation, you need a spec and a deadline. Tell him exactly what "together" means to you and when you need the answer by. He misses the deadline, that's not heartbreak, that's a passing test result. And the gym-guy silence? That's not love loading up. That's a man who likes owning the toy he won't take out of the box. The data's already in, kid. Stop running the experiment.
— Iron Man
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