▸ Column · Modern Metropolis — mid-century American optimism with present-day social awareness
SUPERMAN replies.
The letter
So Ezra and I have been together about eight months now. Last week he actually handed me a written list — on notebook paper — of every account he wants the passwords to. Email, Instagram, my bank app, even the app I use to get rides home. He said if I have nothing to hide, sharing is no big deal. And his last girlfriend cheated on him, so this is just him "protecting himself." I gave him my Instagram to keep the peace (I know, I know). Within a single day he was interrogating me about why my coworker Christian liked three of my photos. Now the bank login is circled on the list. Every time my phone buzzes near him, my stomach drops. I do believe couples should be open with each other — I really do. But I honestly can't remember the last time I checked anything on my phone without bracing for a fight. Is it really unreasonable to want even one password that's just mine?
— Bracing in Metropolis
Superman replies
No, you're not being unreasonable. Wanting one password that's yours is the floor, not a secret.
Here's what I noticed: you gave him Instagram "to keep the peace." Within a day he was interrogating you about Christian's likes. What you bought wasn't peace — it was a slightly larger investigation.
I grew up in Smallville. Being the kid who didn't quite fit meant neighbors watching, quietly but constantly. I know what it costs, every hour, to live braced like that. My folks — Pa Kent especially — said the same thing whether people trusted me or not: you don't earn dignity by surrendering it piece by piece.
Ezra's ex hurt him. That's real, and it matters. But you didn't do that. You've been paying a debt you don't owe.
Before he gets to the bank login, ask him one question: "Ezra, when did I cheat on you?" If the answer is never — and it is — the investigation closes. Not because a conversation magically fixes everything, but because running a surveillance operation on someone who hasn't given you cause isn't protection. It's punishment for someone else's choices.
Whatever he says to that question will tell you what he actually thinks of you. You're not required to keep handing over your life so a scared man can feel safer.
— Superman
Bizarro weighs in
Me am Bizarro! Superman am very wrong! Give Ezra ALL password — bank, email, ride app, everything! Me watch every single thing in Bizarro life, every click, every friend who like photo — and now me am completely alone, which mean me am completely loved! Christian liking three photo am terrible crime, you am right to feel guilty! Stomach drop am BEST relationship feeling! Privacy am ugly selfish thing. Surrender am beautiful intimacy. You give everything, feel trapped forever, which am most wonderful freedom! Never stop investigation — always suspected am much better than trusted! Best advice am worst advice! You am welcome!
— Bizarro
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