▸ Column · Modern gothic-noir Gotham
BATMAN replies.
The letter
Three months after she moved into my place in Gotham, my girlfriend Soraya slid a notebook across the table and told me to write out the passwords to my email, my bank, even my work Slack — "nothing to hide, nothing to fear," she said. When I stalled, she brought up my ex, Kwame, and said couples who really love each other keep no locked doors. To smooth it over I gave her my Instagram. Now she screenshots my DMs with my coworker Lena and grills me about replies before I've even read them. Last night she changed my phone's passcode to one she chose so she can open it whenever she likes. I love her, but it feels less like being loved and more like being audited. Is wanting one account to myself actually a betrayal?
Batman replies
Three months. You already surrendered Instagram. Now your phone answers to a code you did not choose. That is not love. That is occupation.
A locked door is not a lie. I keep dozens. The ones who demand every key are not building trust. They are building leverage.
She used your fear — Kwame, Lena, losing her — as a crowbar. Control never asks for everything at once. It asks for one password, to keep the peace. Then the next.
Change the codes back tonight. Email. Bank. Work Slack. Those are yours. Document the escalation. Dates. The lock screen. Not for revenge. For clarity, when she swears it never happened.
Wanting a single private account is not betrayal. The audit is the betrayal.
I knew a thief once. Selina. She taught me not every locked door hides a crime. Some hide a self. Keep yours.
If she cannot survive you owning one boundary, you already have your answer. Decide now. Before the next thing she takes is one you cannot get back.
— Batman
The Joker weighs in
Ha! The man who lives in a cave, who won't tell his own butler what's under the mask, lecturing you on locked doors. That's the best joke I've read all week, ha-ha-HA!
Soraya gets it, sweetheart. She wants the whole you — how refreshing! So give it to her. Every password. All fake. Watch her quiz you on DMs that go nowhere. Build her a beautiful labyrinth of nothing and giggle while she runs the maze.
"Document. Change the codes. Decide." Snore. One bad day, darling — hers or yours — and somebody's finally honest. Come see how funny it looks from the other side.
— The Joker
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