▸ Column · Modern gothic-noir Gotham, present day
BATMAN replies.
The letter
Eight months ago I started seeing a man named Joaquin here in Gotham, and the lies were so small at first I felt foolish flagging them — he claimed he'd read a book he gave me, said he'd eaten when I'd watched him go hungry, told me his sister was "Wren" when her name turned out to be Coralie. Then last month I found the gym membership he swore he'd cancelled. Last week he texted that he was "buried at work" while his phone pinged from a bar two blocks from me. Nothing here is a felony on its own. But every time I raise one, he laughs and says I'm "keeping a file" on him, like I'm the unstable one. The truth is I AM keeping one now, in my head, and it is getting long. Am I overreacting to a basically harmless guy, or is a pattern of pointless little lies the entire red flag — proof he'll say whatever's easiest in the moment? I can't tell anymore if I'm protecting myself or wrecking something good.
Batman replies
Stop saying "keeping a file" like it is a symptom. It is evidence. You did the detective work eight months ago. You distrust the verdict only because the suspect trained you to.
I keep a file on everyone. People I have bled for. People I would die for. The ones who lie to me about small things lie to me about large ones the moment the stakes climb — I have watched it happen on a rooftop more than once. A man who lies when nothing is on the line is not harmless. He is rehearsing.
The mockery is the tell. He cannot answer the pattern, so he attacks the one noticing it. Make the watcher doubt her own eyes. It is the oldest move in Gotham, and it works on the kind, not the stupid.
I know one liar I keep close. She never asks me to stop watching. She respects that I do. That is the line. Joaquin wants you to put the file down. That is precisely why you must not.
Write it down. Verify, do not accuse. Then decide from the pattern, not from one weak apology. Trust the work. He is showing you who he is.
— Batman
The Joker weighs in
Oh, the file! The FILE! Ha — Brucie, you keep dossiers on your own friends and you're lecturing HER about red flags? That's the funniest thing you've said all decade.
Sweetheart, listen to the clown, not the bat. The lies aren't the problem. The lies are the only honest thing in the whole routine — little Joaquin can't even keep his masks on straight, bless him. The joke's on YOU, and here's the punchline: there is no "something good." There never was. You've been auditing a man's grocery-store fibs to avoid the one true line on your list — that you already know, and you're staying anyway. That's the act. Drop it. Laugh. Why so serious?
— The Joker
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